This
sad burlesque
With
miserable
failures making entertainment of our fate
Laughter
cannot dignify or elevate
This
sad burlesque.
—Elvis
Costello
Whom
shall I ridicule this week? Why even bother? Better tyrants than
ours might listen to their jesters;
better morons might know their limitations. But there is no King
Lear or Warren
G. Harding in this administration. No bunker
buster yet devised could penetrate the skulls or souls of
Bush, Ashcroft, Perle, et al. Does humor stand a chance?
Michael
Moore may think so, but I have my doubts. We’ve been neck-deep
in comic gold for years now, but few seem to notice. Instead of
recounting
the last election's ballots, Moore should be riffing on the
moral absurdity of that contest itself. So a guy who enjoyed truncating
Serbs lost to one who would rather abbreviate
Arabs. Who cares?
Well,
I guess the particular people now being abbreviated do, though
they’re trying hard not to. Liquor
sales in Baghdad have been climbing since bombing increased
last week. Arak, the local liver-eater, already fetches the pathetically
astronomical sum of $1.30/bottle. According to a cabbie, "I
am buying arak now. I think it is destroying my stomach, but I
need to sleep at night, especially where I live." Other Iraqis
get wasted in a different sense, including those seven
(or
was it ten?) women and children whose souls were freed of
their bodies at a U.S. checkpoint. Hah! John
Allen Muhammad must be sorry he ever quit the Army.
Yes,
this liberation shtick is pretty amusing. If you aren’t chuckling
yet, then try the rainbow coalition of the willing, which Condoleezza
Rice says includes "every
major race, religion, and ethnicity in the world." Given
her concern for diversity, one wonders what exactly makes a race,
religion, or ethnicity "major." Chaldean
and Assyrian Christians don’t seem to make the cut. Lesson
#1 in democracy, you guys: be fruitful and multiply. In the meantime,
follow Tonga’s
lead and befriend bigger hooligans. Coalition heavies such as
Bulgaria,
Uganda, and Micronesia have suffered much late night mockery,
but why shouldn’t they have a crack at the postwar spoils? (Emphasis
in the following
quotes is mine.)
HUNGARY
"I
am confident that peace will soon be reinstated in Iraq, the weapons
of mass destruction will be destroyed and on the basis of this
we shall be able to live in a more peaceful and tranquil world
in future. I would also like to add that Hungary would be pleased
to participate in the reconstruction of Iraq." Prime
Minister Peter Medgyessy
ESTONIA
"We
understand the need for disarming Iraq. The world needs to be
convinced that there are no weapons of mass destruction on Iraqi
territory. This is important for world security. It is deeply
regrettable that Iraq did not make use of the opportunity, which
existed, to solve the problem peacefully... Estonia is ready,
based upon the needs of the situation and its own capabilities,
to help regulate the post-conflict situation and participate in
the reconstruction of Iraq." Statement by the Government of
Estonia
NETHERLANDS
"Saddam
Hussein is a great danger to law and peace. Virtually all the countries
in the world are in agreement on that... he takes no notice of the
agreements which the international community has made time after
time with him... Hence the Netherlands gives political support to
the action against Saddam Hussein which has been started... The
action is now getting under way. But, hopefully, a time will very
quickly come when the weapons will fall silent. Then we will
have to do everything in our power to help the people in Iraq with
their country's reconstruction." Prime Minister Jan Peter
Balkenende AZERBAIJAN
"Azerbaijan
is expressing its readiness to take part in the humanitarian rehabilitation
in post-conflict Iraq." Statement by the Ministry of Foreign
Affairs
ROMANIA
"Romania
has interests and responsibilities in Iraq. We intend to bring
our contribution to providing human assistance and to the reconstruction
process in this country, including the reconstruction of the Iraqi
society, economy and democracy." Prime Minister Nastase
EL
SALVADOR
"El
Salvador is giving diplomatic support (to the United States) and
also is willing to give support in a post-conflict phase, when
a possible war is over, in reconstruction or de-mining tasks at
which we already have experience." Foreign Ministry Communications
Director Cesar Martinez
Don’t
lampoon the upstarts for chasing lucre. If you really want a laugh,
ask Mr. Martinez how the folks in El
Salvador became such experts at "reconstruction"
and "de-mining." Ask Jonah
Goldberg if even Saddam Hussein deserves a sermon from the
pulpits of Kigali
and Addis
Ababa. Ask President Ion
Iliescu of Romania, who murdered
anti-Communist demonstrators in 1990, how he plans to rebuild
"the Iraqi society, economy and democracy." Then ask
President Bush if it’s too late for Kim
Jong-Il to board the all-forgiving war train.
Oh,
my ribs ache from all the punchlines! An ex-drunk
driving
others to the bottle half a world away. An attorney general
whose idea of decency is covering
statues’ breasts. A prissy
Pentagon dandy bent on ridding the world of its human dandruff.
And the biggest joke of all? A nation led by men who think that
freedom is something
you put ketchup on.
~ Matt Barganier
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Matt
Barganier works for an educational philanthropy in Baton Rouge,
LA. A late bloomer in his mid-twenties, he has only recently joined
the ranks of web punditry. He is an alumnus of Louisiana State
University and the University of Alabama.
Archived
columns:
3/31/03 – Liberate
the Vatican!
3/24/03
– A
Guest Column from National Review
3/17/03 – An
Aural MOAB for the Middle East
3/10/03 – Woolsey's
Folly
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