|
HELL
(Fox News) – Satan defended Lt.
Gen. William Boykin and U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
in a heated press conference Sunday, though he refused to call
either man one of his own.
"Boykin
is doing some great work up there fomenting discord, but more
like a dupe than an agent. Heck, he's probably the only guy in
Washington who has given an honest opinion in the last two years,"
said the Prince of Darkness. "He's a fine blend of idiocy and
good intentions."
Satan
also continued to stonewall on the Rumsfeld scandal. Hell has
been ablaze with rumors ever since an anonymous administration
source leaked that Rumsfeld is a covert operative. The
Perdition Press, owned by News Corp., stands by the story,
but Satan will neither confirm nor deny it.
"We
all know that the laws of this realm prohibit me from divulging
such information," he said, smiling. "Anyway, it's hard for me
to lie on a yes-or-no question – first you'll assume that the truth
is the opposite of what I say, then you'll assume that I would
assume that you would assume that, and so on. I'll just save us
all the headache by not answering."
The
leaker's identity has become the most controversial topic here
since the debate over free dental care for gnashers. Satan has
promised
to find the guilty party, promote him or her, and blame a
scapegoat, but some
doubt that the investigation will lead anywhere.
"Look,
the chief suspects are the devil's closest advisors," said Fox
News Hell analyst Leon Trotsky.
"They're mostly American politicians – the boss tends to ignore
Stalin, Mao, and Hitler, the drama queens. He's into subtlety,
fellows who know how to work within the system to boost human
misery. But you give one of these Americans credit for the leak,
and next thing you know, he's running the place."
A
highly placed Pentagram official, speaking on condition of anonymity,
dismissed Satan's underworld critics.
"These
tormented souls have been discredited. They claimed that a war
on Islam would make the world more peaceful. Were they right?
Judge
for yourself," the official said. "Have we made some mistakes?
Possibly. Were we a bit too hasty to enlist Michael Ledeen as a mouthpiece?
Perhaps. Is his prose intolerably
pompous and facile?
Certainly. Still, he's working hard to start World War IV,
and so are we."
Reactions
to Hell's crisis varied in America.
According
to noted libertarian Ronald Bailey, "Freedom does not stop at
the earth's crust. Hell is a closed society. We ignore it
at our own peril."
Conservative
pundit Ann
Coulter proposed an aggressive response.
"I
say let's kill 'em all and convert 'em to Christianity," she wrote
in her syndicated column last week.
Others
advised caution, however.
"Hell
is the only democracy in the subterranean, but it has been libeled
by the anti-Satanic media. We must stand by our ally in its time
of need," said defense expert Richard
Perle.
~ Matthew Barganier
|
comments
on this article?
|
|
|
|
Antiwar.com
Home Page
Most
recent column by Matthew Barganier
Archived
columns:
Satan
Defends General Boykin, Rumsfeld
10/20/03
Dude,
You Got, Like, Totally Plamed
10/6/03
Toward
a Meaningful Yom Kippur
9/29/03
What
Every Person Should Know About War
9/15/03
Coherent
Argument, Meet Matt Welch
9/8/03
Candidate
Dean Is a Warmonger
9/1/03
In
a Blackout, Dimwits Are Easy to Spot
8/25/03
What
if You Lived There?
8/11/03
The
Autumn of the Patriarchs
8/4/03
Where
Will Timothy McVeigh Strike Next?
7/30/03
Tony
Blair Polling Well in Hell's Eighth Circle
7/14/03
What
I'll Be Celebrating on the Fourth
6/30/03
America
Needs a Gore News Channel
6/23/03
Mr.
Sharon, Tear Down Those Empty Mobile Homes!
6/16/03
No
WMDs? Fabulous, but Still Beside the Point
6/9/03
Guantanamo,
USA
6/2/03
Joystick
Mayhem
5/19/03
We're
All Israelis Now – Except for the Palestinians
5/12/03
Let
the Cynicism Begin!
5/5/03
Oh,
Shi'ite!
4/28/03
Dada
Conservatives
4/21/03
My
Bloody 1040
4/14/03
Laughter
or Despair?
4/7/03
Liberate
the Vatican!
3/31/03
A
Guest Column from National Review
3/24/03
An
Aural MOAB for the Middle East
3/17/03
Woolsey's
Folly
3/10/03
Matthew
Barganier works for an educational philanthropy in Baton Rouge,
LA. A late bloomer in his mid-twenties, he has only recently joined
the ranks of web punditry. He is an alumnus of Louisiana State
University and the University of Alabama.
|
