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The Edge of Life
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After the home has been demolished, the dead have been buried and the tears have run dry; thousands of Palestinian women are forced into a new reality, one they had no choice or opinion in. They are destined to live with death, without notice or warning, they are faced with enormous responsibilities and new challenges. These women are living in an environment where death and fear have become part of their every day life. Alone, isolated, and depressed, young and old alike, are desperately working to prevent their young children from joining the struggle, and at the same time unable to convince themselves that there is another way out. The occupation, oppression and daily indignation do not help these women in keeping their children or husbands from being killed or injured. They cannot prevent them from saying aloud "The occupation does not choose where, why and when I die, I do." In Jenin refugee camp the reality is even more complicated and shocking. Here the woman know they exist in a tribal society; a place where a son must take revenge for his father's death, and a brother must take revenge for his brother, no matter how long it takes, revenge is inevitable. The women share their very different yet similar circumstances, what they have and continue to endure, and how they see their future and the future of their children. Fyrial Al Shalabi is a 29-year-old widow and mother of 6 children (4 boys 2 girls). Her children range from fourteen months to eleven years old. Her husband was a student at Haifa University in Jenin. She said, "That was his final exam, which would have earned him the degree he worked so hard for." She insists her husband "had nothing to do with politics and was not involved with any of the resistance (to Israeli occupation) groups." Fyrial is able to talk about her problems, but anyone could see that she has no idea what life had dealt her. She will have to one day face the fact that she is not only ultimately responsible for nurturing and protecting 6 children; but will have to ensure they do not try or think about revenge. Reflecting She recalls the horrible day her husband was killed while she and her six children were locked up in a room. "During the incursion, the Israeli soldiers ordered us to split up into two groups. The women and children were locked up in one room while they searched the men. I had a feeling that something was going to happen but I felt at the time it would be the baby; He was only a few months old. I worried about how I would hide him, where I would put him. I was terrified he would not be able to make it. It never crossed my mind that it would be my husband. "It was 6:00PM when we heard the shots but had no idea what was going on. At 11:00 we noticed the quiet and we understood the soldiers had evacuated our home. When we opened the door we found the slain men. "We called for help and were told that ambulance was not allowed in, and every time we attempted to pull the men into the house, the snipers would shoot at us. For 11 days I lived with the father of my children lying on the steps just a few feet within my reach and there was nothing I could do for him. It was a devastating experience for the entire family. "I could talk about him forever. He was calm, loving, and spiritual he had a bit of a temper occasionally but a good heart. He loved his children and was feeling guilty for spending so much time on his studies and not enough with his children and friends. He only had one more exam before graduating Haifa University here in Jenin. "The Israelis deprived me and my children of something essential in our lives. It's not true what they (Israelis) say, they are not after what they call terrorists, they are out to arrest and kill every Palestinian regardless of their political, social, or personal status. "We all miss him so much, the way he came into the house, the way he used to study, how he was with the children, going out together, being around … I miss everything. Nothing and no one could ever fill the place of my husband. A second marriage is not an option for me. I will dedicate the rest of my life to my children."
Current Situation Fyrial discussed her current situation and challenges in raising six children. "Presently, I am having great difficulties trying to explain to the children about their father. Each one is reacting differently. Imagine one of your children asking for a shovel so he can dig his father out of his grave! My seven year old says 'I wish my father were in prison, why didn't they take him as a prisoner instead of killing him?' My oldest refuses to talk about his father at all. They ask, 'Who is going to support us, how come everyone is with a father but not us?' The questions are many and no answer is good enough to justify their mammoth loss." Psychological Effect When asked about her psychological well-being, she said "Most of the time I am frightened. I become almost paralyzed when the tanks come back in the middle of the night. They usually park right in front of my house, I feel vulnerable, I gather up my children and we pray. I know God will help us in finding some meaning to these dark days. "Sometimes I feel so alone, and wonder how I can manage. It is difficult for my family to come and see us. My husband's family lives close but no one is in the position to help anyone. Even if some have shops and other businesses they cannot make it to work for many reasons, like being attacked, or curfew is imposed, or simply being turned back at a checkpoint." Future In discussing the future, Fyrial said "Life is difficult and we will remain firm in our land and beliefs. We will not give up our struggle for freedom. This occupation will have to end and peace shall prevail. I must be able to raise and educate all six of my children. I hope and pray to God to protect and keep them alive."
Maha Sbitani is a Palestinian-American living in Ramallah, next to Yasser Arafat's compound.
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