Author: Brandon

Our old buddy Richard Perle, otherwise known as the Prince of Darkness, appeared on Charlie Rose’s program on Wednesday night. I tuned in just after the interview began.
There is no transcript available for this show, as far as I know, so being the industrious fellow that I am, I took notes. I can only guarantee that they are substantially accurate, but you’ll just have to trust me.
At first, Perle gave me exactly what I expected. The US “can’t exclude the possibility of military action elsewhere in the Middle East.” Perle says “the Middle East is producing the vast amount of terrorists in the world”. Specifically Syria, which Perle says is funding and encouraging, from an ideological standpoint, the insurgency in Iraq – Oh and Iran, of course, Neocon Nation’s current whipping boy. Perle suggested, in what must seem like a sensible evaluation to a democracy-worshipper, that an Iraqi Shia government would be a rival – not an ally – of Iran, despite their religious, ethnic, and cultural similarities, reason being that the Iraqi government will be elected legitimately (giggle). A more sensible evaluation, in my view, would be that a solid stream of US greenbacks, along with a dozen or so permanent US military bases in Iraq will force any Iraqi government to be unnecessarily belligerent to Iran.
Perle’s assessment is ripe with mysticism and outright lies. Even if Syria were not providing aid and comfort, shall we say, to the Iraqi insurgency (which I’m sure they are, but who knows), the insurgency would still exist, for reasons easy to understand. Now, this is where it gets complicated, because Perle understands why occupation produces insurgency. He admitted it on TV. Here is what he said. The occupation is “sadly misguided”, and the US “should have turned over Iraq to the Iraqis immediately” (immediately following Saddam’s retirement). The US “should have been working with Iraqis” to expedite a quick and bloodless regime change. However, “tremendous progress has been made”, and “most of Iraq is relatively safe”. Yeah, for the cockroaches. This is what’s called having your cake and eating it too. Rose asked Perle if the Pentagon was responsible for the philosophy behind the occupation, but Perle denied that, and claimed “other government agencies” were agitating for it. Indeed they were …
Here’s the thing; Perle led Rose into the occupation issue. He was eager to say that it’s a mistake (committed by someone else, of course). Perle made a statement along the lines of ‘failed military actions often can lead to destructive occupations’. Rose said “isn’t that what we have now in Iraq?
Why would Perle want to answer such a question? In my estimation, so he can weasel his way out of responsibility for it, and at the same time agitate for more attacks elsewhere in the region. Attacks done correctly this time.

The Pentagon is full of it-I mean full of them; good ideas, that is. Turns out, in 1994, they had a thought. That’s newsworthy itself, but the thought was this; what we’ll do is, we’ll deliver a bomb to a site where there are a bunch of enemy troops. It will contain, not explosives, but a chemical aphrodesiac that will turn them into homosexuals. This is what the best and brightest career bureaucrats over there are thinking about. Strange, I thought they were just sick perverts wasting coerced tax money on dumb ideas and undermining the safety of the US by messing with other countries. Let’s ask the obvious question; Why did the Pentagon think it wanted to deliver a bomb right to the location of a whole bunch of enemy troops-but NOT kill them? I mean if you can get the bomb exactly where it needs to be to affect enemy troops – why not just load it up with TNT and blow them up? I’ll tell you why (don’t read any left-wing hysteria about ‘homophobia’ or one of these other meaningless New Age terms, because I’m not suggesting that); The Pentagon thinks that homosexuality is worse than death. With an idea like this, the Pentagon has crossed into James Bond-supervillainy, and, at first, the thought process might seem too outlandish to ascribe any sanity or logic. I must, however, recall George Carlin’s observations about the language of American pop culture, such as George Bush Senior’s tough talk during Gulf War 1 (“we’re going in”…”this time, we’re going to finish the job”), as well as his ideas about what all of those bombs and missiles are shaped like. Perhaps, then, this is just the Pentagon following a train of thought? Perhaps screwing the enemy (sorry…) up sexually is the ultimate climax-er, I mean victory? Continue reading “The Pentagon’s Gay Bomb”

The Bull****er-in-Chief’s Christmas radio address contained a rather stange passage;

“During the holidays, we also keep in our thoughts and prayers the men and women of our Armed Forces, especially those far from home, separated from family and friends by the call of duty. In Afghanistan, Iraq, and elsewhere, these skilled and courageous Americans are fighting the enemies of freedom and protecting our country from danger. By bringing liberty to the oppressed, our troops are helping to win the war on terror, and they are defending the freedom and security of us all. They and their families are making many sacrifices for our nation, and for that, all Americans are deeply grateful.”

My ears have been acutely trained to screen out bull***t, so, even though this is what he’s quoted on the White House website (www.bull***t.gov) as having said, it’s not what I heard. He has been misquoted. This is what he actually said;

“Our murderous attack on the civilian population of Iraq, and our attempt to replace their somewhat independent political system with a toadying one of our creation, responsive to orders from D.C. and Tel Aviv has caused an increasing number of them to join the insurgency against us. As many as 100,000 of them may now be considered “insurgents”, willing and able to violently resist our occupation. Since we have proven incapable of stopping these attacks without increasing the amount of murder inflicted on the Iraqi population, which in turn influences more of them to violently resist us, we must consider this war to be yet another disastrous, criminal failure in what passes for US foreign policy. Since, during my Presidency, and as a direct result of my plans, the US is now the most hated and feared nation in the world, perhaps even in the history of the world, and since this puts the lives of all Americans in grave danger, I must be considered the worst US president ever. No small accomplishment, since there have been so many bad presidents – in fact, I could count the number of good ones on one hand. Since I am clearly guilty (if anyone is) of High Crimes and Misdemeanors (having turned Iraq into a chaotic, demented slaughterhouse), I should be impeached as quickly as possible, and jailed (in Iraq) for the remainder of my natural life.”

Check out our Über-Editor Matt Barganier tonight on the “Peter Principle” guest hosted by Scott Horton, from 7-9PM CT.
You can Listen Live on the internet.

A new threat has emerged against freedom; the threat from life on Mars:
“Earth’s defences may need to be boosted against risk of potentially deadly microbes returning on space probes”

This represents the greatest threat to democracy since Saddam Hussein. What we need is a full-scale “shock-and-awe” campaign against these dangerous Martians. It’s us or it’s them. No mercy. I say we finally use all of those swell nukes we’ve got. Launch them against the Martian populace and watch them run for the hills. The survivors will damn sure submit. Then we’ll install a liberal democracy there that will be pliant to US policy makers, and friendlier to Israel.

Who knows? the Martians may even welcome our arrival, cheering us as we march through their streets, blasting everything in sight. We will show them true freedom. Perhaps we can even turn these Martians into Christians – exactly the way of which Christ would have approved, of course – at gunpoint.

The best part of it is, the whole bloody campaign pays for itself! All we have to do is extract Martian oil, and we’ll be filthy rich! We’ll get the price of crude down to two bucks a barrel, you’ll see. We’ll turn those Martians into our SLAVES! And what a sweetheart deal we’ll make it for our buddies at Halliburton!

There is the issue of how to drum up public support for all of this, but I think I can suggest a way. Perhaps if we only talk in meaningless abstractions, such as “freedom,” “liberty,” “happiness,” “greatness,” etc., the waters will be too muddy for the average person to object. Besides, most people would rather rent two-star (if that) movies than actually think about what we’re saying.

If anyone objects at home, we’ll use the flag against them. We’ll accuse them of treason, we’ll say that they are conspiring with the enemy, that they are on the side of the Martian terrorists, and that they’re Enemies of America. We will unfurl football-field sized flags, and chant the national anthem as loud as we can to drown their traitorous arguments.

True, people will die, perhaps needlessly, but it’s all for the greater good. You can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

“Israel Hit by Worst Locust Plague Since 1950s”
Israeli agriculture officials sent crop dusters into the air to spray against the locusts that swept in from North Africa in the first such invasion since 1959.

Crop dusters? Israel can do better than that. Here’s my recommendation, based on Israel’s proud history of dealing with such pests. Assassinate their leaders with rocket attacks, detain their ambulances at check points for several hours (long enough for the patients to die), bulldoze their houses, steal their land, shoot them in the back, launch several unprovoked wars against them, strap their kids to your Hummers as human shields, construct a secret nuclear arsenal to keep surrounding nations who might sympathize with the locusts in check, surround the locusts with a segregation wall, effectively interning them in concentration camps, cut off their supply of water, fire unprovoked into crowds of protesting locusts, and have your PMs deny their existence in the first place.
And the sweetest thing is, you should be able to get a few billion dollars from the US to fund all of this.